Load up the car, Ma. It’s fixin’ to rain. We bought some new tires today, and they are dope. I wrestled a black bear for them, and guess who won? I did. I defeated the black bear. Went to the greengrocer for some hot tamales but all he had was a can of potato sticks. I ate ‘em, sure, but still. I’m thinking I might need to find a new greengrocer. It hurts to say it, but I’ve got to be frank. A good greengrocer is something every man needs, just like a dark suit, golf clubs, and a rhubarb garden. I feel like these past few weeks have just been one long trip to a greengrocer who’s just past his prime. Makes me think about all the greengrocers I’ve known, and what a strange majestic succession it has been. And so it shall continue, I’m sure, greengrocer after greengrocer, onward through my lifetime like so many silhouettes of lost loves and lost dreams, stretched lengthwise before me.
Reasonable
21 May 2009 ?Forgot to mention, Friendzo and I went to a Mothers’ Day party/Bat Mitzvah last Sunday, the 10th. It was a dangerous place to be.
Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | 
Friendzo | Tagged: eggs benedict, Friendzo, hummus, janezo, mother's day | 
Permalink
Posted by hornblower
Freeze
17 May 2009 ?I’ve been chewing a lot lately, on random happy things. I found a tire on the freeway last night and that was a particular favorite of mine. It was especially enjoyable after I detached it from the Ford Galaxy that was its home. At the supermarket I felt alone, and I thought of the comforts that only a quality greengrocer could provide. I kept chewing, though, and also sneezed, several times. There wasn’t much else to do but chew, and sit soundless in the dry goods aisle, waiting to be told to leave. The supermarket never closes, though, and I wasted a wordless week waiting for a blessed release. I’ve learned, at least, some strong lessons — about chewing, and the human jaw, and the needs of infants.
Leave a Comment » | Nougat | Permalink
Posted by hornblower
Gregoria
15 May 2009 ?Stormy rainbow houses parade at the seashore as Friendzo rides his chestnut mare. The seafoam laps the harbor and I sit watching, silent. A fire on the beach lights itself. I leap up lifted and sprint. I’m not nearly as fast as the chestnut mare, of course. She has been ahead of me before heel hit sand, and is not about to relent. I don’t mind, though, and I pound across the dunes. I meet them, Friendzo and his mare. We speak. The mare listens.
Read the rest of this entry »
liveblog
13 May 2009 ?Despair. Hopeless. I sit. I ride. I pine. I sweat a thousand rubies and I inhale. If this is all there is then I should like to go back to the greengrocer for some edamame. Well well well, so I can die easy, Jesus gonna make up my dyin bed. I gave myself an Indian burn this evening and rode a horse at the same time. I sneezed on the queen, and she sneezed on me. She held her breath for a minute. I held her breath for a minute and a half. I won the competition. I always do. The queen is a bitch ass.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Leave a Comment » | Nougat | Permalink
Posted by hornblower
The ice cream I would invent
6 May 2009 ?The ice cream I would invent would be a special flavor formulated for maximal taste bud stimulation in a good way. I would make it not with cream, but rather with salad dressing — Russian, French, and South African. When I combine the dressings, the result is a magic thing. There are many other parts of a good ice cream, and my ice cream would have all of these parts. The other ice creams around town do not have all these parts. Some of the ice creams have all of the parts some of the time. All of the ice creams have some of the parts all of the time. But none of the ice creams has all of the parts all of the time. None except mine, that is. This is the main reason that my ice cream is a championship-winner. There are other reasons as well. My ice cream wears a cape and a false moustache (bigote falso). It (the ice cream, not the cape nor the false moustache (bigote falso)) is delicious for more reasons than just these, however. The texture is of the highest magnitude on the Herring Index. This is a supreme accomplishment of mine. For this I am well-respected — revered, even — in ice-cream-making circles. I have been given many prizes for my ice-cream-making prowess, including the Palm d’Or at Cannes in 2007. It is a nice prize to have. Thank you. I also make sacrifices to the Mayan gods.
Leave a Comment » | Things I would do | Tagged: cannes, cannes film festival, challenge, champion, ice cream, mayans, palm d'or, salad dressing, victory, winner | Permalink
Posted by hornblower
Friendzo and I caught the Lady Gaga at the 5th Terminal
4 May 2009 ?Whatta story this is. Friendzo and I were baking cookies in the basement when the tree outside fell down with a great commotion. When we went to investigate, there was a tiny man there, with orange feet and leprechaun hair — but great big fangs, too. Poisonous fangs. His name was Pantzo. He brandished a wooden spoon and spoke to Friendzo.
Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | Friendzo | Tagged: abraham lincoln, boar, coin, death, Friendzo, just dance, lady gaga, penguin, penny, poker butt, poker face, president, radishes, terminal 5, the fame, weiner | Permalink
Posted by hornblower
I chewed
1 May 2009 ?Brought some candy to the greengrocer today. He chased me out of town with a rattlesnake popgun and two cans of King Cobra malt liquor. So I was walking outside of town, trying to find myself an inn for the sleepin and a cow for the eatin, when all of a sudden there arose such a clatter that I smacked the ground and hollered out for mercy. It was Friendzo and the greengrocer, each sidesaddle on a palomino mare. I packed my bindle and hopped onto Friendzo’s mount. I stood atop the horse for five minutes as Friendzo finished sneezing. The greengrocer was silent, but I saw his eyes and knew Friendzo had thrown him a statue or two. The world’s not big enough for Friendzo anymore; he just keeps running people to the ground, exposing bricks and lies and breasts until the audience loses interest and folds their programs into their laps and leaves Friendzo with a stack of napkins as high as Nelson’s Column.
Leave a Comment » | Friendzo | Tagged: american idol, Friendzo, greengrocer, grover, king cobra, malt liquor | Permalink
Posted by hornblower
Hold this for a second
29 April 2009 ?Let’s expect this now –
A child growing softer in its bed
Three reasons why a man would walk instead
of running to an exit
Careless, wand’ring surely towards a star
Blinks twice, hiccups, asks me where you are
A cactus on the sill –
it will.
I’ll leave it solemn standing sentry
Forgotten, not forgetting; dreamt and lost
in an evening.
Leave a Comment » | Slivers of glass | Permalink
Posted by hornblower
Shit, I missed Earth Day
27 April 2009 ?Too busy grabbing grub at the noodle factory. In hindsight, though, it was a wise decision. Earth Day is every year. The noodle factory has sales only once a decade. Friendzo called me from the Clearwater sloop and told about all the great Earthy things he was doing. I told him to suck a bacon. Then I cried. Then I ate a ten-foot noodle. Then I came in my pants, a little. Then Friendzo sailed down the Hudson to meet me. Tearful reunion. I sneezed. No cats.
Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | Friendzo | Tagged: blog, blogging, blogs, clearwater, earth day, eco-terrorism, gay, important to blog everyday, pete seeger, the faces | Permalink
Posted by hornblower
