Orpheus Weaponry

How do we count when the trees are many? We ride above them in a helicopter, and shoot them. Count your bullets, and divide by thirty, ’cause you’re a lousy shot, and that’s the ticket right there. And take off that hat, you look like a goddamn fool.

My great-uncle taught me that there were no stars, only silver buttons in the carpet up above. I killed my great-uncle, with a spoon.

If you thought there was more to this, you were off the mark, my friend. Real bad. Real gone.

Load up the car, Ma. It’s fixin’ to rain. We bought some new tires today, and they are dope. I wrestled a black bear for them, and guess who won? I did. I defeated the black bear. Went to the greengrocer for some hot tamales but all he had was a can of potato sticks. I ate ‘em, sure, but still. I’m thinking I might need to find a new greengrocer. It hurts to say it, but I’ve got to be frank. A good greengrocer is something every man needs, just like a dark suit, golf clubs, and a rhubarb garden. I feel like these past few weeks have just been one long trip to a greengrocer who’s just past his prime. Makes me think about all the greengrocers I’ve known, and what a strange majestic succession it has been. And so it shall continue, I’m sure, greengrocer after greengrocer, onward through my lifetime like so many silhouettes of lost loves and lost dreams, stretched lengthwise before me.

I’ve been chewing a lot lately, on random happy things. I found a tire on the freeway last night and that was a particular favorite of mine. It was especially enjoyable after I detached it from the Ford Galaxy that was its home. At the supermarket I felt alone, and I thought of the comforts that only a quality greengrocer could provide. I kept chewing, though, and also sneezed, several times. There wasn’t much else to do but chew, and sit soundless in the dry goods aisle, waiting to be told to leave. The supermarket never closes, though, and I wasted a wordless week waiting for a blessed release. I’ve learned, at least, some strong lessons — about chewing, and the human jaw, and the needs of infants.

Despair. Hopeless. I sit. I ride. I pine. I sweat a thousand rubies and I inhale. If this is all there is then I should like to go back to the greengrocer for some edamame. Well well well, so I can die easy, Jesus gonna make up my dyin bed. I gave myself an Indian burn this evening and rode a horse at the same time. I sneezed on the queen, and she sneezed on me. She held her breath for a minute. I held her breath for a minute and a half. I won the competition. I always do. The queen is a bitch ass.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Killed a horse today, with my socks. He was a God damn pinko, is why.