Orpheus Weaponry

You guys ever heard of this guy Jack White? Apparently he’s some sort of actor or politician or something. Anyway, I was walking to the greengrocer, and I was on the left side of the street because the right side is verboten sometimes, and this guy comes along and he’s wearing all red — tight pants, tight shirt, tight shoes, pork pie hat, ascot, the whole bit. He’s got this big old mop of ratty, dark hair and his skin’s practically translucent. So this guy — big guy, maybe 6′ 2” — he’s walking toward me and suddenly he stops, drops to the sidewalk and starts doing these crazy push-ups. So I says to him, I says, Hey, Bub, whaddaya whaddaya whaddaya got some sort of problem with me? Whaddaya whaddaya. And he’s all like, I’m Jack White, ya big corncob pipe, and I’m like, I don’t know what that is, but I’ve had enough of you, and meanwhile he’s still doing these crazy push-ups, and I don’t know how his hat hasn’t fallen off yet, and I give him a look that says, WHADDAYA WHADDAYA, and he starts talking about his new musical supergrouper called the Dead Weather and I’m like, Whoa, hey, I thought you were a baseball player! And by now this guy is doing coffin push-ups, which are like when you lie on the ground and fold your arms over your chest and you hoist yourself up somehow so that only the backs of your heels are touching the ground, and so he’s doing these coffin push-ups and telling me that no, he’s not a baseball player, or a greengrocer (because that was my second guess), and I say, Listen, Frankie Frisch, I know your type, you’re a real hambone, and I’ll make a soup out of you and I’ll use the soup to feed my friends. So square with that, Jemima Pearl. And he ran away — real quick.